Sports

Vladimir Putin to Announce Vikings' 1st Round Pick

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Moscow, Russia April 25, 2018

Kremlin officials have confirmed that an agreement has been reached with the National Football League (NFL) and the Minnesota Vikings that will allow the current President of Russia, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin of the All-Russia People’s Front* political party, to announce the 1st round selection by the Minnesota Vikings in this year’s upcoming draft.

Anonymous sources inside the Federal Bureau of Investigation have hinted at the possibility that the Vikings’ new State-of-the Art Draft Board may have been hacked by computer experts working for the Russian government, and the decision to have Putin announce the Vikings’ draft choice was in response to a demand that either Putin be allowed to declare the pick or Russia would publicly reveal the Vikings’ draft board at midnight Moscow time on Friday April 27th, three hours prior to the start of the NFL draft.

While exact details are still murky, an unofficial “timeline” of events leading up to this report was leaked to the Associated Press:

  • Some day and time in 2005. Vladimir Putin allegedly steals Bob Kraft’s Super Bowl ring at a party in St. Petersburg, Russia, establishing himself as a huge fan of the NFL.
  • Some day(s) and time(s) in 2016. Russian computer experts allegedly interfere with the 2016 U.S. presidential election**, establishing themselves as really good hackers.
  • March 9, 2018. General Manager, Rick Spielman, “shows off” new State-of-the Art Draft Board at the Vikings’ new State-of-the-Art practice facility, drawing the attention of Vladimir Putin, and Russian hackers who have been out of a job since the 2016 presidential election.
  • April 24, 2018 at approximately 2:00 PM Central Standard Time. General Manager, Rick Spielman, brags about how much time the new electronic draft board saves and announces the Vikings have finalized their draft board.
  • April 24, 2018 at approximately 10:01 PM Moscow Standard Time. Vladimir Putin downloads the finalized Minnesota Vikings’ 2018 draft board, drinks a shot of Vodka, eats a pickle and sends an email with the following header (specific content of the email has not been disclosed or verified):

To: Roger Goodell

CC: Rick Spielman

BCC: The Donald***

Subject: I Must Break You

Note: As of press time, it was believed the subject line was a nod to Ivan Drago. However, this phrase was later clarified by Kremlin minions as an example of Putin’s limited grasp of English grammar. He apparently intended to say, “I must give you a break”, referring to the fact that the NFL commissioner, under normal circumstances, would be the one to announce and hug all 1st round draft picks.

  • April 24, 2018 approximately 3:03 PM Central Standard Time. Rick Spielman checks his email and yells, “Arggghhhh…this team is cursed!”
  • April 24, 2018 approximately 3:03 PM Central Standard Time. While polishing his crystal ball from his office down the hall, Coach Mike Zimmer responds, “There is no damn curse!”
  • April 24, 2018 approximately 3:03 PM Central Standard Time. Ex-coach, Bud Grant, from his office down the hall retorts, “Keep it down! I’m trying to finalize the schedule for my upcoming garage sale…it’s going to be the last one!” And then sighs and quietly mutters to himself, “The curse is real…you’ll see Zim…the curse is real.”
  • April 24, 2018 at 8:00 PM Eastern Standard Time. The league office holds a top-secret, closed-door, emergency session of the NFL competition committee.
  • April 24, 2018 at 10:35 PM Eastern Standard Time. A resolution is reportedly passed via a 7 – 1 vote in favor of allowing Vladimir Putin to announce the Vikings’ 1st round draft pick.
  • April 24, 2018 at 10:36 PM Eastern Standard Time. Mark Murphy, president of the Green Bay Packers, is identified as the sole, dissenting vote on the NFL competition committee.
  • April 24, 2018 approximately 11:27 PM Eastern Standard Time. Just prior to boarding a private jet for his return flight to Green Bay, Mark Murphy receives a gift box of FSB Fried Cheese Curds from an unnamed, self-proclaimed “Packers fan”. Upon receipt of the surprise present, Murphy responds with delight, “While I’m not familiar with the FSB brand, I love cheese curds! I think I’ll save these to share with Mike McCarthy during the draft. Go Pack, Go!”
  • April 25, 2018 at 8:00 AM Central Standard Time. Rick Spielman convenes a brief press conference at the Vikings’ Eagan headquarters. Said Spielman, “It’s been a whirlwind 18 hours or so. I can neither confirm nor deny reports that foul play led to the decision to allow President Putin to announce our 1st round draft pick. What I can say with absolute certainty, is that there may have been a top-secret resolution adopted by the NFL competition committee and co-signed by Russian officials which may have failed to include a no trade clause. So, without revealing too much of our draft strategy, I think it’s safe to say Vladimir can cancel his upcoming flight to DFW and the U.S. Men’s Curling Team better be ready for a busy Saturday.”
  • April 25, 2018 at 4:01 PM Moscow Standard Time. Vladimir Putin screams, “Damn you, Trader Rick…foiled again!”, drinks a shot of Vodka and eats a pickle.

* Disclaimer: This is not a political statement. This post neither endorses nor renounces the All-Russia People’s Front political party, and is not intended to incite the passions of its affiliates or its opposition on DN. Personally, I didn’t vote for Putin but I’m not supposed to say that here.

** Disclaimer: This is not a political statement, it’s in the news.

*** Disclaimer: This is not a political statement, it’s a joke.

This FanPost was created by a registered user of The Daily Norseman, and does not necessarily reflect the views of the staff of the site. However, since this is a community, that view is no less important.

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